I HOPE THE SMOKING MAN'S IN THIS ONE

In 2006 I heard that Barenaked Ladies song that has the line "Watching X-Files with no lights on" for the first time in years. I realised that watching X-Files with no lights on was a well good idea. I imagined feigning fear and conning someone into cuddling me whilst I was doing this and immediately bought the first season from play.com.

I used to be into it when I was a kid. I even bought the X-Files magazine and imagined growing up to be a cross between Dana Scully and Nancy Drew. So it was no surprise when I got back into it in a big way. I think I maybe managed to con at least two separate people into cuddling me whilst watching it too, which is pretty good going. Turns out being a dork into 90s sci-fi is pretty hot to strange indie boys.

I soon got through seasons 1-5. Sometimes I watched 4 or 5 episodes a day. I started going to Lewisham Library and heading straight to the paranormal section. I read books on real alien abductions and had nightmares about small greys visiting me in my bedroom. I looked up academic essays on UFO phenomena. I began to think that the undercover policemen that were watching the crack den across the street from my halls were actually watching me. I wondered if the times when I was a kid and I woke up delirious were due to abduction rather than fever. I HAD GONE TOO FAR AND I KNEW IT.

I tried to take a step back. But now I was synonymous with X-Files to many of my friends. It was like the time my mum expressed an interest in pigs and then got pig ornaments for her birthdays, Christmases, and anniversaries for 5 years until her shelves were literally collapsing from the weight of them. My room was full of X-Files merchandise: posters, a light-up clock, a map, books, a mouse mat, mugs, t-shirts.

Should a 24 year old woman have two large X-Files posters on her wall? Should she wear an X-Files t-shirt at any opportunity? I had surpassed having a slightly kooky and unexpected interest and moved into weirdo territory. I stopped watching. Like Harrison Ford I got frantic. I took down the posters and replaced them with arty postcards, I put my merchandise in a drawer. I stopped my quest to find out whether or not the mytharc episodes made sense if you watched them consecutively. This part was particularly painful.

A year later and I was starting to think it was safe to go back and that I might re-watch the pilot (Scully in her underwear!) but then I lost interest. Someone sat me in front of the Battlestar Galactica pilot instead. HOLY SHIT, IT'S GOOD.

WORDS BY LAURA WOLF